CATHastrophic Mediocrity

I hate the world today
You’re so good to me, i know
But i can change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe i’m an angel underneath
In a sentence sweet

>Yesterday i cried
Must have been to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envie you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

>I’m a bitch i’m a lover
I’m a child i’m a mother
I’m a sinner i’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell i’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

>So take me as i am
This may mean, you’ll have to be a stronger man
Jused to shooter, when i start to make you nervous
And i’m going to extreme’s
Tomorrow i will change and today won’t mean a thing

>I’m a bitch i’m a lover
I’m a child i’m a mother
I’m a sinner i’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell i’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

>Just when you think
You got me
Figure out the seasons all ready changin’
I think it’s cool, you do what you do
And don’t try to sing this

>I’m a bitch i’m a lover
I’m a child i’m a mother
I’m a sinner i’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell i’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

>I’m a bitch, i’m tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
When you’re hurt
When you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numb
I’m revived
Can’t say i’m not alive
You know i wouldn’t want it any other way

• If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
• Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
• Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
• If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends". A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
• Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
• Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
• The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of
  children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
• Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
• Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
• Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.
• You cannot change a man’s behaviour.* Change comes from within.
• Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are… even if he has more education or in a better job.
• Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
• Never let a man define who you are.
• Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
• A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
• All men are NOT dogs.
• You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is two way street.
• You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage… deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
• You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you.. a relationship consists of two  WHOLE individuals.. look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.
• Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
• Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
• Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man.
• Share this with other women and men (just so they know)… You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
• They say it takes a minute to find a  special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and  an entire lifetime to forget them.

I’m going to start this the way he started his….

April 15, 2008. My friend and i were chatting while on work. Exchanging ideas on stuff. Suddenly he shifted the topic and started asking me. And it went something like this.

He: Kinsa nag-ingon nagyaw2 ko?

He: c ____ noh

I: xa ug c _____

He: kung kblo lng ka sa tnan.

I: Nanluod nko sa imo

He: nag-open forum man mi bout sa ia. Nalain mi sa iyaha, Plastic nman gni mi sa ia ron.

I: Human? Open forum diay nah magstorya mo bout sa isa ka tao, na wala didto sa inu open forum? Kung naa mo problema duha, kamo ang magstorya,, dili na iagi sa laing tao.

He: Lami mo ipakog, kamo duha. Preha ra mo. Tanga kaau ka. Ikaw ang nagbag-o. Dili ako.

I: Fine. Kalimtanay na tah.

He: ok

It’s my first time to actually dare someone to forget everything about us. I just can’t control my temper because of the way he reacted. I was just simply stressing the idea that conflicts between two people should be settled by them alone. Talking something against someone behind his back can never solve the problem. And I got insults instead for what I said. I am not being biased for the other. Maybe he thinks that my feelings for the other person clouded my judgment, and made me turn my back on him. Am I being biased for what i said??

He was the person I least expected to insult me. And it hurt me so much. I meant what I said. I can’t force myself to deal with a person who will only say those words to me. I erased his number, and contacts in my messenger list. Maybe, this is the start of us, saying our goodbyes to the friendship we shared. Yes! He may erase me from his memories, but I’ll never do that.

Why will I even do that? i owe him a lot for all the things he did for me. He became my bestfriend. We even got fond of calling each other "Pangz".. I was there when he was in his worst, and in his best. He was there when I was desperate. There were times we cried together. Special moments we shared. He didn’t want me to get hurt because of some other guy. He had always wanted me to be happy. And my parents owe him a lot for taking care of their daughter. They trusted him. Because of this beautiful friendship, I tried to do everything to help him when he’s down.

But then I guess, everything is not meant to last. I have to let go and say goodbye..

I arrived at the office a minute before the clock ticks to eight. Whew! Almost late. Anyway, i was just about to get settled in my seat when a gallon of ice cream and pineapple jelly rolls were laid before me. I was thinking that maybe today is Friday and that would mean we’re going to have our usual Friday Breakfast Feast. But where are the rice and "calde-calderong ulam"??? That’s when I knew it was Kuya Johann’s birthday yesterday.. Hmmmm.. Thanks for the treat Sir Bing, and Sir Ramon…

Ice Cream!!! Here I come……..

 The time stands still
As you strike the keys of your piano
The song I’ve been singing
The music you’ve been playing
A beautiful melody backstage

  Our shadows for an audience
Silence as our applause
With hums and whispers sailing
in your notes, I felt like dreaming

  Simplicity of the moment
As two souls sing the same songs
Same souls, one in music
In every note, melody and rhythm

  The keys shining with the moonlight
As yor hands struggle in the darkness
As I search for the right words
And our music became one

  We’ll be singing the same songs
The song that made us one
Wherever we play our music
It’s yours, it’s mine forever

I found it very hard to sleep last night. After coming home from a dinner with a friend, I went directly to bed. I was knocked down after spending nine hours in front of the laptop I was using in my OJT (I’m starting to like my job and the people here! but anyways….). My sister woke me up at past half nine because we have to tlak with the broker of our dearest most beloved house. <SIGH!>

We agreed that we’ll sell our house and transfer to another place. Within a year, we are expecting to end up homeless so we decided to sell it before we end up penniless.

I spent the whole midnight thinking of all the memories I had with our home. I’ve spent more than half my life here and by thirty or forty five days, we all have to say our goodbyes to the home I’ve grown at. <SIGH!>

If that happens, we will be forced to transfer to Likanan. Yup. I hate the idea that i have to travel half the world’s circumference to reach school and my workplace everyday. Darned! By two months after, I’ll be busy with my thesis and activities I’ll be involved with. <SIGH!> Moving to a new home would mean adjusting to the environemnt, and starting from the very beginning.

One more thing that I don’t really like. I have another option and that is to rent a room. Hmmmp! i hate the idea that I have to be separated from my family which I ain’t used to. I love the idea of being independent but I don’t like to compromise my family for it. I’m not used to not finding Ma and Pa when I wake up. I’m not used to going home to no one who’ll ask me if I had dinner or not.

And so I guess, this will be a tough start for my senior year. Darned!