CATHastrophic Mediocrity

To my everdearest most beloved sweetest M.E,

It is already past midnight but there are certain things in my head that I can’t really put into the best words I could find. You might be sleeping right now and I wonder who you might be dreaming of.

I remember three days ago, i wanted to suspend time for an eternity just to watch you sleep. Your face was so serene which reminded me of what and how we were before. The clock ticked one’o'clock and I doubted if I really have to wake you up and put an end to the spell the silence of the moment casted  upon me.

Everytime you’re near me, I often ask myself if we have the same thoughts. But how can that be when you see me as a "bestfriend"? Bestfriends are supposed to tell truths but I prefer to be silent. i didn’t mean to be your bestfriend. I just need you so badly that I have to grasp on anything to hold on and have you by my side.

There were many times you asked me of to whom my heart belongs and these were also the times I denied you the true answer.

Letters. Thank you for keeping my letters. I found out you’re still keeping them. I wrote you those letters two years ago. I wanted to read them again but I didn’t. I was afraid that it will be a lot harder for me to let go and and be a bestfriend to you.

Those letters reminded me that I have to thank you. Thank you for lying just to keep me away from hurting and trying to save my name from shame. Thank you for protecting my womanhood and never losing your faith in me. Thank you for not tiring to listen. Thank you for turining my rants to giggles, disappointments to laughter, my frustrations to hope. I have always wondered why and how you can do that. Thank you for teaching me how to love without expecting to be reciprocated. Thank you for making me see that love can make me do things which I thought was unbearable and impossible. Thank you for making me find myself again.

Since the day you left till the day you came back, God knows how my love had endured all these years. It had changed. Now, I’m more certain than I was before with the hope that you’ll find you’re way to me, not as a platonic friend but as someone who’ll complete the whole of me. I am mute by friendship but I will wait.

How I wish I can tell you all the things that runs to my head right now. But I guess this letter won’t be of any difference from the dozen I have kept, safely tucked in my cabinet. I wonder when will these letters ever reach you.

Thank you for sharing a beautiful past with me eventhough it was stained by pain, and scarred by lies. And now that we’re the "best of friends", I don’t want to miss the chance of making you realize how blessed I am to  have you again by my side. When the moment comes that we have to say our goodbyes for the second time, always remember that my day wil never be again as beautiful as it used to be when i still have you.

Your pseudo-bestfriend,

M.C. 

i hope he’ll come across my blog and read this song. I am still hoping that he’ll see me, not as one of the boys, not as a friend, but as a woman, someone waiting for him to come back to me. Let him see that I’m just here, beside him everyday, hurting in silence, mute by friendship.

TEARDROPS ON MY GUITAR

by: taylor swift

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won’t see
That I want and I’m needing everything that we should be
I’ll bet she’s beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she’s got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it’s so damn funny
That I can’t even see anyone when he’s with me
He says he’s so in love, he’s finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he’s all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He’s the song in the car I keep singing, don’t know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can’t breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She’d better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she’s lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I’ll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart
He’s the song in the car I keep singing, don’t know why I do
He’s the time taken up, but there’s never enough
And he’s all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won’t see.