CATHastrophic Mediocrity

I thought that wasting more than a couple of tokens in the arcade would eventually help me drive the madness out of me. But it worked less effectively than it did before. Missing out lunch or simply taking another route and destroying my whole planned itinerary for today.. Nothing seemed to work for me. aNd maybe even desperately pounding this damned keyboard for this entry, I think, will not also do me any good.

More than an hour from now, I’d be kicking those balls in the field again in high noon.. And maybe, maybe… And I whole damned wish that maybe my foot will hurt more than this kind of crap I feel now. That sweat will drown all the restlessness snd frustrations away…

Whose fault is this? Or am I simply making a mess out of myself again?

Maybe I just have to leave the next sentence blank, ‘coz I know what I’ll be saying next won’t make any sense……….. 

inuman nlng tau….

After that blissful event, and the sudden shift of light, everything just ain’t going right. Of high expectations that slowly crumbles to fine dusts of doubts..

Until when can you possibly hold such feeling when all you want is to shout it out to the whole world - this is what I feel, this will make me happy and this is who I am. When and how should I say ‘NO’?

How can I have the freedom? How can I take another step forward when all you do is to give me a reason to wait, stay and hold on? Can I not face my life on my own? Can I turn my back on you and tell ourselves it’s finally done and over? Can you not just leave me as I am and let me do things my own way?

It will never be the same. Friends? Yes.. That’s it..

MAKE IT REAL, OR TAKE IT ALL AWAY!!!!!!

thanks te KFD!!!

I don’t know the answers to my questions. I don’t even know the reasons why I’m doing what I’m doing now. Should i leave it as it is? And let it drown in oblivion? should I act blindly and let time drift me away to somewhere i don’t know? I need answers to know where I’m heading.. I don’t want to hurt people..

How can one say the half-truth behind a joke?? Can someone understand me?? What are all those for?? Why am I doing these? Till when? What for??

Feeling happy is very ecstatic for today. Having been able to make someone feel special is indeed a pleasure. making surprises is a hobby I have not experienced for these past years, but it felt good that I did today. Shout out to my friends, loved ones, barkada, bestfriends, and to the people who are special to me.. Mwah….

Anyway, here’s the song that had been bugging me for a couple of weeks already that I can’t get it out of my head..

SAY IT AGAIN

I’ve been tired of the same things. And I must admit, I don’t even know where I’m heading. I try to find the answers which to others may seem so obvious. But the answers they know are not at all the answers I need. I maybe speaking in metaphors. And no body would even care to read this the second time around - trying to decipher what I mean.

I am not at all at ease when everyone’s watching my move. I am not some celebrity that everybody should talk about. I want to keep my life private - far from the judgment of many. The freedom I want is not at all the freedom that I have.

Some may say I am a fool for some reason, or someone that is far beyond anyone’s grasp. I am not a laboratory rat that everyone should examine through a transparent glass case. I might be hurting some people because of my mistakes. And there are also truths that I should suppress. And I am a bit strangled by this kind of dilemma. That I have to be someone else I am not.

When should I say the truth, and be who I want myself to be when someone might get hurt of that truth? Yeah! The truth can set us free. Easily said than done. I am not at all me.

Maybe that’s the way life is. Everybody in secrecy - something held sacred, and very personal, oblivious to the world, oblivious to the people, even to those who mean so much to you. Everything has to keep secrecy as sacred - withheld from disclosure - to keep things in place, to avoid confusion, to protect. Truths unsaid, feelings unexpressed.

I’ve been tired of the same things. And I must admit, I don’t even know where I’m heading. I try to find the answers which to others may seem so obvious. But the answers they know are not at all the answers I need. I maybe speaking in metaphors. And no body would even care to read this the second time around - trying to decipher what I mean.

I am not at all at ease when everyone’s watching my move. I am not some celebrity that everybody should talk about. I want to keep my life private - far from the judgment of many. The freedom I want is not at all the freedom that I have.

Some may say I am a fool for some reason, or someone that is far beyond anyone’s grasp. I am not a laboratory rat that everyone should examine through a transparent glass case. I might be hurting some people because of my mistakes. And there are also truths that I should suppress. And I am a bit strangled by this kind of dilemma. That I have to be someone else I am not.

When should I say the truth, and be who I want myself to be when someone might get hurt of that truth? Yeah! The truth can set us free. Easily said than done. I am not at all me.

Maybe that’s the way life is. Everybody in secrecy - something held sacred, and very personal, oblivious to the world, oblivious to the people, even to those who mean so much to you. Everything has to keep secrecy as sacred - withheld from disclosure - to keep things in place, to avoid confusion, to protect. Truths unsaid, feelings unexpressed.